First Thing

Okay it’s been nine months since my last post here and I would like to sincerely apologize for the unbridled optimism from before! It was written literally a half week before the attempted insurrection at the US Capitol, which was one of those worrisome I know this is gonna suck types of moments for basically everyone, except the people on the ground who seemed to sincerely believe that whatever they were doing is heroic. It was stressful enough that I wanted to write something and likely had some blazing screed hidden somewhere in my notes, but I got a little sidetracked thinking about skirts.

Armor-Piercing Hoodie

It's funny, looking back on that last post as some kind of idealistic end of an era. I had video games that I loved and I had a very cute pink hoodie and felt like I couldn't possibly need anything more in life. But honestly, that hoodie didn't really match with any of the mostly denim pants that I had sitting around in my closet and at some point I just sat and thought oh, wouldn't this go great with a skirt?

It was over as soon as the thought entered my head, I think. I didn't just want a skirt, I wanted only skirts, and this desire was and is still compounded by the fact that I know very little about womens' clothing. My roommate promised to get me one but my brain was stuck on a dirty skirt loop and I ended up borrowing one of theirs and pinning it to the side to make it fit while I moved around our apartment and cooked and thought about how great the feeling was. For a minute I was even thinking that being a guy that wears skirts wouldn't be such a bad thing, and if you're reading this you should know it isn't! Skirts rule, gendered clothing is kind of a pain and really you should dress however you think makes you look the coolest or cutest or whatever.

But when I got some skirts that really fit I realized that I also needed tits, and also that I wasn't particularly attached to my name, and furthermore that nearly my entire Twitter follow list was largely transgender folks, many of whom I followed back in the Something Awful days. Something particularly dark had been hidden inside me for most of my life, something I was afraid to talk to others about much less myself, and as I moved towards my own inevitable truth I found myself concerned that perhaps I was making the absolute wrong choice. It took me the entire month of February to wrestle with this feeling before talking to someone about the possibility of transitioning.

After months of hormones that I have affectionately nicknamed Crash & Spyro I can say very certainly that it was a mistake to even wait that long! There has been a desire to, at the very least not be a boy that existed ever since I was little, but I grew up in the South in the Nineties so all I knew was self-sacrifice, or rather sacrificing the needs of the self to appease a higher power (perceived). This desire led me to try every stupid thing I could to be masculine and of course as soon as I came to grips with a form of masculinity I was comfortable with, the heavy fisted honorable thug form of Kazuma Kiryu, I decided that you know what? Even the best kinds of masculinity can't save someone if testosterone itself is some sort of hideous poison to them.

So uh, yeah, I'm a girl now.

Gender is Quite the Fuck

What I'm learning in all my adventures is that gender is quite the fuck!